Alcide's Wedding
by Mandarin Fiend
Summary: Disaster follows best friends Eric, Jason, JB and Hoyt whenever they party together. They have ruined every wedding they have ever attended, so the decision is made that they are banned from attending Alcide's wedding unless they can find girlfriends ...


**Chapter 1 – Big Trouble**

It was 7am the morning after John Quinn's wedding. Jason Stackhouse staggered up the stairs to his house, trying to extract his keys from his pocket as he went. They fell to the floor. After a lot of cursing under his breath, and nearly falling over twice, Jason managed to unlock his front door.

Jason was blond and blue eyed. He was well built, and his eyes sparkled irresistibly when he was excited, which was quite a lot of the time. He was known for being a lot of fun, and for being super-smooth sweet talker.

The floor boards creaked loudly as Jason stepped inside._ Shhh … _he thought furiously. He tried to pick to his way to his room as quietly as possible, using the walls for support. He pushed open the door to his room, ready to collapse onto his bed, but Tara was sitting on it with her legs and arms crossed looking_ very_ angry.

She stood up and brandished the alarm clock in his face.

"What time do you call this Jason?" her tone could have taught ice a thing or two about being cold.

"Uhh … Bedtime?" he replied cowering. Tara gave him a look and whacked him over the head with the alarm clock. He fell like a sack of potatoes, mostly due to the amount of alcohol still in his blood stream.

Tara appeared above him looking menacing.

"Bill wants to see you. _Now_."

xxxxxxx

Hoyt Fortenberry sat in his room on his bed that he had had since he was seven.

Hoyt was tall, and he projected awkwardness, but he had a nice genuine smile, and a kind heart. He was good at his job at an insurance company because people found him to be trustworthy and nonthreatening.

"Hoyt? Are you by yourself in there?" called his mother knocking on his bedroom door.

"Yes, ma." replied Hoyt.

"Did you meet a nice girl at the wedding?"

"No ma ..." replied Hoyt dejectedly.

"Aww … Hoyt would you like eggs on toast for breakfast?"

"Oh, yes ma." repied Hoyt perking up a bit.

"Fried or scrambled?

"Scrambled please!"

"Sure thing sweetie. Oh and Hoyt?"

"Yeah ma?"

"About what happened at Quinn's wedding, don't worry, I told Alcide that the other boys started it." With that, Hoyt heard his mother's footsteps retreating.

Hoyt buried his face in his hands and allowed himself to fall back onto his single bed.

xxxxxxx

JB Du'Rone arrived home and checked the voice mails left on his phone as he always did. His recorded message played back first.

"_Hey ladies what's happnin? This is Romeo, on the party line. I'm 6'6 and built to please. Any of you fly honeys wanna kick it, holla back. Especially you Cleo, you're my girl."_

JB was cute, in the same way that a kitten is cute, although he was nowhere near 6'6. He lived with his head in the clouds, and seemed to manage his life quite nicely sans any common sense.

There was a beep, then a nasal voice came over the phone

"_Hey this is Shasta. Why haven't you returned my calls, I thought we-"_

JB winced then hit the next button.

"_Hi Romeo. I'm Steve, open minded bi-gay sexual, and I was wondering -"_

JB shuddered and quickly hit next. He started loosening his tie.

"_Hey Romeo. It's Cleo-" _JB perked up suddenly, his attention fully focused _"-I know we've never met in person but umm ... lets meet up. This time I promise I'll show for sure. You know if it's fate-"_

"-it'll find a way to happen." finished off JB out loud. He already knew what his Cleo was going to say. He sighed. There was one more message.

"_Hey, Romeo," _there was a snort, then the voice continued speaking angrily.

"_I know it's you JB, you dick. It's Alcide. Get your ass over here. NOW."_ JB froze in the middle of taking off his tie and swallowed. _Shit._

xxxxxxx_  
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"Oh sure, I'd be delighted to pass along the message Alcide, I'll do it now. Bye." said Pam into the phone. She replaced the receiver on the hook with an evil grin on her face.

She walked down the hall to Eric's room. The door was firmly shut, but Pam could clearly hear noises of a carnal nature coming from the other side.

"Oh yes! Evan! That's it!" there was a grunt.

"It's _Eric_."

"Oh! Whatever. Harder!"

She rapped smartly on the door. There was a crash as something fell to the floor, followed by a string of expletives, then a long moan. Whoever was in Eric's room had just finished their business. A second later Eric appeared in the doorway. His hair was all disheveled, his shirt was missing most if its buttons, and he had a sheet wrapped around his lower half.

"What gives Pam? I'm busy." he snapped.

Pam peered around Eric discretely and saw a peroxide blonde pulling up the zipper of her dress, covering up what was undoubtedly a svelte figure. She was also (undoubtedly) about ten years Eric's senior, married, (She was, Pam saw her slide back on the ring from her pocket) and very fit for her age.

Pam smirked and looked back at Eric.

"You're in a lot of shit brother. Alcide called." said Pam bluntly. Eric's grimaced. Then he shut the door in Pam's face.

Eric was model good-looking. Tall, broad shoulders, long blonde hair, piercing blue eyes. Although he kept most people at arms length, he had a healthy sense of humor, and could be quite charming when he wanted to be.

"Don't you want to know what his message was?" called Pam from the other side.

Debating for a moment, Eric looked back to see that his guest was just pulling back on her stockings. She looked up and caught his eye, and shrugged.

"Okay what is it Pam …?"

xxxxxxx

Half an hour later at 7.30am the guys trooped up to the house together, Hoyt in the lead with Jason bringing up the rear. They were all in the same clothes from the night before.

It was a big stately town house with a veranda that ran around the whole perimeter and there were potted plants dotted around. There were a lot of people already there. Family, and friends who had attended the wedding the day before.

They stood all over the veranda, filling in the gaps between the potted plants. The guy's murmured greetings were ignored, and met with shaking heads and angry glances.

Hoyt knocked, and the door opened revealing a pissed off looking Quinn. He was sporting a black eye, and he too was still in his clothing from the night before. The four friends shuffled uncomfortably.

"Hi Quinn …" said Hoyt uncertainly. JB discreetly positioned himself behind Eric.

"Umm … about last night ..." started Jason, but he quickly shut his mouth at the intensity of Quinn's gaze. Quinn finally moved aside and let them pass.

They continued their walk of shame down the hallway, which was lined with more wedding guests who were staring daggers. Alcide was leaning against the wall with his fiance, Maria-Star. He wouldn't look any of them in the eye as they passed, even though Jason whispered furiously at him_ 'Alcide, what's all this about!'_

There was a door at the end of the hallway.

"Bring them in." called a low voice. The door opened and after exchanging glances and shrugging, the boys walked inside.

"Your holiness." said JB seriously giving a sort of bow to the figure in the center of the room, Father Bill Compton. The other three looked at each other nervously.

"Have a seat boys. We're going to have us a little chat." The 'boys' exchanged glances, then JB sat cross-legged on the floor. The others, after a moment, shrugged and followed suit.

Seated on either side of Bill were his two loyal hulking apprentices/alter boys/loyal servants. Wybert, and his brother Sigebert. No one was really sue where they came from, but they sure had an excess of scars and muscle.

"We have a problem." stated Father Bill gravely. Father Bill was something of a patriarch. He looked about sixty, but he was older. He was spry for his age, his long side-burns combed perfectly, just a distinguished twist of gray twining through his thick dark hair. All four boys had been christened by Bill, taken confession with Bill, their parents had even been married to one another by Bill.

He knew_ a lot_ about each one of them. Even though they were now fully grown men, they still feared and respected Bill, sentiments left over from a childhood of listening to severe figure in front of them every Sunday morning at mass.

That, and Wybert and Sigebert cut super scary looking bookends on either side of him.

"As Shepard of the Lord, charged with looking over our little community, I have officiated at many happy occasions." Father Bill paused for effect, then continued, "Celebrations of love. Togetherness. Peace, and harmony. Wedding celebrations are supposed to be joyous occasions. They mark the beginning of a new life, the joining of two families," Bill paused again, looking at each of them in turn.

"Then there are the weddings that you four have attended ..." they shifted uncomfortably. "Shall we watch some?" asked Bill innocuously.

Eric stayed silent and still, while JB and Hoyt nodded their head and squeaked out halfhearted 'Yeahs.' Jason looked at them both like they were crazy and made shushing gestures frantically.

Bill gave a small signal and Wybert got up and exited the room. He came back wheeling a TV set into a corner. The guys shuffled a bit so they were facing the TV. Wybert put in a tape and pressed play.

"Victor's wedding." announced Bill. Eric averted his eyes.

_'What a beautiful bride and groom, look at them leaving, they look so happy!' came the cameraman's voice. The couple was walking from the church towards their waiting limo. The groom opened the door, then jumped back in horror._

_'OH MY GOD!' supplied the cameraman. _

_Eric was in the car with a bridesmaid obviously doing the dirty, and everyone caught a glimpse of his ass, and his panicked furtive glance. The bride fainted._

_Eric scrambled out of the car, trying to disentangle his limbs from the girl at the same time as pulling up his pants. On camera, Jason was doubled over almost sobbing with laughter. He started up a chant, 'Eric! Eric!' _

_Hoyt was yelling, 'Eric are you out of your mind!' then JB stated clearly 'Man, you better run!'_

_Eric suddenly took off down the street, still holding holding his pants up with one hand while the groom enthusiastically gave chase. Jason could be heard and seen doubling over in hysterics, while Alcide was saying furiously, 'Its not funny! Do you have any idea what you've done!'_

Jason couldn't help but smirk in Eric direction. Bill pressed pause, and looked at Jason sharply.

"Jason, I don't think anyone has forgotten Calvin's wedding." Jason quickly looked down. Wybert inserted another video and pressed play. The bride and groom were cutting the wedding cake together.

_'It really is a lovely cake and- wait ... what the heck is Jason Stackhouse doing?' said the cameraman. Jason appeared next to couple, swaying dangerously on his feet. The couple looked at him, then Jason fell. It was almost in slow motion. The cameraman even yelled 'Nooooo!' _

_A second later the cameraman was protesting loudly,_

"_I don't know that guy! He's isn't related to me in any way!" _

_The cake and the table the cake was on were taken out. The bride burst into tears. Eric, Hoyt and JB appeared to haul Jason off, but he stubbornly refused to cooperate. Eric managed to save the little model bride and groom that had topped the cake and he handed it back to the the groom apologetically. The groom looked down at it, stupefied, his mouth wide open in surprise._

Bill pressed pause. Jason had the grace to look ashamed.

"Hoyt, you remember Sam's wedding?" Hoyt reddened, as Wybert inserted another video.

_The dance floor was clear for the bride and groom's first dance. Soon, couples started joining them. _

_'The bride sure can dance well.' said the cameraman. Suddenly a hyped up Hoyt appeared on screen. He ran over to the bride and groom, and in one awkward movement hefted the bride up onto his shoulder. She threw her head back and laughed, then suddenly she looked panicked, as she fell backwards off Hoyt's shoulder._

_There was a loud crack._

"_Oh, sorry! I'm Sorry! Sorry!" he yelled as people rushed to the bride's side, while others rushed _at_ him angrily._

"And then there was last night, your crowning glory. Quinn's wedding" Bill said. JB winced. Wybert produced a video camera seemingly from midair, hooked it up to the TV and pressed play.

_'Yo Lafayette! Hey! Lafayette! Lafayette!' It was JB yelling. _

_He could only just be heard over what was happening. It was nighttime. There was a fire engine and a police car outside the wedding venue and people pouring out the doors, clearly panicked. The sirens __were wailing and people were screaming._

_'Lafayette! Lafayette! Can you hear me?' came JB's voice again. He was slurring._

_'Bitch what is it?' said the cameraman. Part of JB's face came into view._

_'You didn't see me okay! I was not here! Later!' he slurred before running off. The cameraman refocused on the entrance of the building where an irate John Quinn was being restrained by four firefighters, as he shook his fist at something the camera couldn't see. Jason could be heard speaking. _

_'Lafayette where's JB!'_

_'He's hiding his ass.'_

_'Shit, Quinn's going balistic!' chimed in Hoyt's voice._

_'Turn it off.' said Eric, then a hand appeared to cover the lens._

_'Hooker, fuck off!'_

_'Shut up!' '_You_ Shut up!' 'Fuck!' 'Fuck you!' 'Fuck yourself!' yelled several different voices, then the screen went black._

Wybert turned off the TV. Bill stood up and cleared his throat.

"Shame and heartache because of four, immature, fools!" Bill took a breath.

"My flock has come to me. And that is why my decree is this." Pause. "From Alcide's wedding, the four of you are _banned_."

xxxxxxx

The four trooped down to a park down the road. Jason had a basketball in his truck which he retrieved, and soon they were shooting hoops, _still _in their cloths from the night before.

"Do you guys really think that we're immature fools?" asked JB thoughtfully as he passed the ball at Jason's head. Jason hadn't been expecting it .

"Ahh! Watch where you're throwing the ball JB! Stuff Bill and his decree. Alcide isn't getting married till November, we'll lay low until everyone forgets about it."

Jason took a shot and missed.

"Yeah, as if anything Bill says could keep us from Alcide's wedding. We're practically family." said Eric as he caught the ball.

"Actually it was _my _idea." said Alcide. He took a step on to the court. Hoyt and JB's mouths gaped open. Eric frowned.

"Why would you do that? I thought we were friends!" said Jason.

"After last night at Quinn's wedding, the whole family wanted to go after you guys with pitchforks."

"Screw Quinn's family." scoffed Eric.

"My family! Your family! Everyone!" yelled Alcide. He took a deep breath.

"Look, I love all you guys like brothers, but y'all have been wreaking people's parties for years! If it isn't a wedding, its an anniversary. If its not an anniversary, its a twenty-first, if its not a twenty-first, its a-" Alcide stopped his tirade and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why is it that every time you guys go party together, you go crazy?"

"Because we're boys!" cried JB.

"Yeah, we're boys! Not girls! We just know how to have a good time! Not like you." chimed in Jason.

"What happened to you Alcide? You've changed." said Eric sadly.

"I fell in love you dick!" snapped Alcide. He got a blazing look in his eyes.

"And I love Maria-Star more than anything on this Earth. If any of you idiots does_ anything_ to ruin _our _wedding, that's it. We're through."

"Well I guess you don't love her much then huh?" replied JB, misinterpreting Alcide's words. Alcide's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline.

"He means us JB. We'll be through." said Eric patiently.

"Oh ..."

"What about all the good times we've had?" said Jason heatedly.

"Yeah! We took you to your first strip club when you were eighteen!" cried JB.

"You guys just needed someone to sober drive." retorted Alcide. JB balked,

"Well … maybe at first, but we still had a dam good time. We bought you a lap dance! You were one of us."

"Yeah! We let you join our group!" said Jason.

Hoyt, who had remained strangely silent during the exchange suddenly piped up.

"Girls!" he cried.

"Girls?" said everyone else.

xxxxxxx

They managed to track down Father Bill at the golf course. Wybert was the caddy, while Sigebert drove the golf buggy. The four of them plus Alcide had to run to keep up seeing as Father Bill clearly wasn't willing to pause his game to hear them out.

"Girls!" said Hoyt,

"Girls?" replied Bill unimpressed.

"Yes girls! As in women, they're problem! Uhh, what I mean is, women are answer to the problem. We always go to weddings as 'the boys' without partners because we have a better time that way, and then we always get into trouble!"

"Yea!" "Yea!" "Yea!" chimed in Jason, JB and Eric. Bill discreetly motioned his hand at Sigebert, signaling him to speed up.

"What if we promise to all take dates to Alcide's wedding, and spend the whole day looking after them? See, then we'd be too busy acting nice to cause any trouble!"

"Yea!" "Yea!" "Yea!" chimed in Jason, JB and Eric. By that point they were all panting with the effort it took to keep up with the little buggy.

They arrived at the hole and the buggy finally stopped. Wybert got out, carefully placed a golf ball on the tee. The boys took the opportunity to catch their breath. Bill stepped out of the buggy and Wybert handed him a club.

"You see, we're different people when girls are around," continued Hoyt. "Yea." "Yea." said JB and Eric. Jason nodded his head earnestly.

"Even Jason behaves when Tara's around. That's why he never takes her anywhere."

"What? I mean, uh, yeah" said Jason unconvincingly.

Bill lined up his shot, judging how much force to use. He pulled his club back to swing …

"Alcide's like a little brother to us." interrupted Hoyt. Bill frowned, and lined up his shot again.

"And his is the last wedding we'd want to ruin." added Eric.

"Yeah." "Yeah." the others chimed in.

"Isn't that right Alcide?" said Hoyt. They all turned to Alcide expectantly. Frowning, Alcide shrugged his shoulders. They all turned back to Bill hopefully. Resigned, Bill let his arms drop and leaned on his club instead.

"Not just dates." he finally said. The boys glanced between each other quizzically.

"Not some girl foolhardy enough to say yes to a night out and free food. You must bring _girlfriends_."

"But your majesty, Hoyt hasn't had a girlfriend in thirty years." said JB seriously. Alcide snickered.

"Shut up JB." muttered Hoyt.

"Someone to whom you have made a _commitment_." supplied Bill.

"Commitment …?" said Eric slowly, as though he were sounding out a new word.

"Yes, commitment. Girlfriend. I know these are foreign concepts to you boys, but if you wish to participate in Alcide's wedding, you had better start getting familiar with them. Find a nice girl. Bring her to my church on the day of Alcide's wedding. Turn up alone, and I'm sure _Quinn _would be more than happy to throw you out."

Bill turned his concentration back to the golf ball on the tee in front of him. He swung. The ball flew through the air in a graceful arc, landing near the hole.

"Good shot reverend." said Hoyt.

"Shot your reverence!" supplied JB, bowing backwards.

"Nice shot." said Eric. He turned and shook hands with Alcide. "Don't worry, we won't let you down." he said.

"Lets go guys." said Jason.

"Woo! This is gonna be great. Lets go get some girlfriends!" said JB, fist-pumping.

**A/N**

**Hello :) **

**This is the first time I've written anything in awhile, and the first time I've written anything for SVM. This is based on the storyline of a movie I like called 'Sione's Wedding.' This first chapter keeps with the movie quite a bit, but I'll be different further on, if this gets a good enough response to continue. Its not been beta'd but I read through it quite a few times, and hopefully there aren't too many mistakes. Any feedback/hints would be appreciated. My apologies if it sucks lol **

**Thanks! ~ Mandarin Fiend**

**PS - Disclaimer - I own nothing :( don't sue please  
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